“Is what I am about to say more important than what you are about to think?”
Possibly but I’ll say it anyway…thought nobody, ever. 😱
I have been working over the past few weeks with an organisation who amongst other things want to help their leaders have better quality conversations with their teams. You know the kind of thing – setting goals, delivering feedback & improving performance. One of the most curious reflections I keep getting is when I share that the best thing they as a leader can learn to do is practice shutting up & listening. People look slightly offended…
I think some of it comes from the assumption that by being in charge you have to for some reason have all the answers & do the bulk of the talking (Spoiler alert – you don’t, you shouldn’t & you can’t).
The best leaders I ever worked for, spoke comparatively little most of the time & when they did, it was generally to ask a question, check understanding, develop an idea or bring someone else into the discussion. This didn’t mean they weren’t in control, assertive & making good decisions. I’d argue that they were even better as a result of shutting up & listening out for headlines, themes, emotions & as importantly – what was not being said.
@michaelbungaystanier captured it for me in his book ‘The Advice Trap’ where he summed up the art of both listening & coaching conversations ‘in a nutshell’ through four very simple steps…
(1) Ask a question – not a fake question
(2) Then shut up – no, stop talking really
(3) Actually, listen to the answer – no fake listening
(4) Acknowledge the answer – NOT BY OFFERING ADVICE!
Try it – honestly it works a treat! Along with keeping the balance of conversation in favour of your team member (if you’re feeling really brave go full 80:20). Oh, & not regaling them with tales of 20hr days, with 4 hrs of overtime carried out in 6 ft of water is helpful too – after all that was your reality & not theirs.
If you want to help your leaders have better conversations then contact me at rupert@strongerhumans.com
I am an Executive Coach, leadership development & business consultant with more than 25 years’ experience in senior leadership roles across public, private, charitable & member owned organisations, with 10 years at Board level. An inspirational leader with strengths in strategic planning, change management, developing talent & building successful teams.
I have a proven track record of delivering sustainable change with and through others that delivers improved outcomes and engagement for both employees and customers.
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